Realizations
by Rose-Divine
Summary: The aftereffects of a party put Sirius into a funk, and James and Remus try to get him out of it. slash


Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine at all. All J.K. Rowlings'. Sad, isn't it? Although, I have to suppose that people really wouldn't want to know what I would do with them if I did have them...

Author's Notes: This is my first posted fanfic, and, to boot, my first full-length one. I've always had a problem playing with other people's toys. I'm still struggling to get back into the creative-writing groove (I haven't been writing nearly as much as I should be), so be forewarned.

** Realizations **

"Don't lie to me, Sirius," Remus said, his amber eyes pleading as he gazed at the dark-haired boy. "Something's been up with you for the past few weeks, and I have no idea what it is."

Sirius Black slouched against a corner post of his bed in the Griffindor dormitory. His dark hair was fashionably messy, reminiscent of James' hair, and his skin was a pale brown tan. If he had been relaxed, he could have been called beautiful. If he had been angry, he would have been called fierce. As it was, he was brooding and even a bit sulky. He gazed at Remus with hard eyes and didn't say anything.

Remus looked at him pleadingly. "At least talk to me!"

"Why?" Sirius asked coldly. "What's the point?"

"The point is that you're one of my best friends- or, at least, you used to be- and I want to know why you've been so withdrawn and moody lately." Remus could feel his composure slipping.

Sirius just shrugged and stared gloomily out of the window by his bed. "It's not a big deal, Moony. Maybe I have been kind of out of it lately- so what? It's not like you've never pulled away."

Remus was stung, but he had to admit that his friend had a point. "And who's always been after me to tell him what's wrong when I'm in a funk?" he countered angrily.

"Just leave, Remus," Sirius said, his voice positively icy, still gazing out at the lake. He didn't look away until the other boy turned and left, slamming the door behind him. Once he knew that Remus was gone, he sighed and flung himself back onto his bed, not sure if he was glad to be alone or not.

On one hand, he now had time to think. On the other, he had just made Remus extremely upset with him. That hurt, but he decided that as soon as he was done thinking he'd go and apologize.

The truth was that he wasn't sure why he had been so moody lately, although he knew where it stemmed from. Lately he had been flashing from cold to icy, from introspective to angry, from bitter to almost cruel and vindictive quite easily these past few weeks, and lately his moods had veered toward depression.

He did know, however, that his feelings were going to come to a head soon and quite possibly have explosive consequences- not just for himself, but for others as well.

Sirius knew that he was worrying his friends, but he still wasn't sure what he was going to do. He was still working it all out. And, simply, he was tired of brooding. He wanted to be able to laugh and run with the Marauders again and drive Lily crazy and make fun of James when he obsessed over her. He also wanted- but that was probably out of the question, so he pulled his mind away from it. He heard the door open, but he didn't look up. Soon James' face loomed over him.

"We need to talk," the other boy said seriously. To a casual observer, the two boys could have been cousins, at least in appearance. Both had messy dark hair, although Sirius' was longer, and both boys were tall. James had emerald green eyes and Sirius had lighter hazel ones. Now both sets of those eyes were serious, with James' determined and Sirius' defensive.

"If I wouldn't talk to Remus," Sirius said bluntly, "What makes you think that I'll talk to you?" The words came out harsher then he had intended, and he mentally winced as hurt flashed across the other boy's face. However, the expression was gone just as quickly as it had come.

"I don't know why you wouldn't talk to Remus, but dammit Sirius, I'm not leaving until you tell me what the hell's been up with you lately!"

Sirius stared at James, who rarely swore and who had flushed despite his previous effort not to let Sirius disturb him. This, more than anything, moved Sirius to speaking.

"Seriously, James, do you want to know what's wrong with me?"

James, surprised, just nodded.

"Well, that's too bad, because I don't feel much like talking about it. However, I was thinking that maybe it had something to do with my not having gotten any for the past month." Sirius' eyes glinted dangerously.

"I wondered why you stopped going out, especially since you could have had just about any girl who you wanted. We all did. We just figured that you'd get over it eventually and find someone else to play with." James leaned carefully back against the bed. He wasn't sure exactly where this conversation was going, but at least Sirius wasn't telling him to get out.

Sirius rubbed his forehead with one hand. "I stopped because it was stupid, Prongs- it was the same thing over and over, and only the girls ever changed. Then I had a flash of insight, and I realized how truly pointless it all was."

"What did you realize?" James asked.

"I realized that I didn't want just another girl- I wanted an actual relationship that involved talking and true love and something besides utter, mindless sex. Although sex is nice," he added, almost as an afterthought.

James had to laugh, and Sirius gave him a weak half-smile. "So that's it, then?" James asked. "Lack of lovers and commitment?"

The half-smile faded and Sirius shook his head. "That's not all of it, James." He paused. "You remember how a few days after I broke up with Lily's friend from Ravenclaw there was a party in Hogsmead?"

"Yeah," said James, remembering. "You were the only one of us who went for any great amount of time. I got sidetracked by Lily, Peter got bored, and Remus left after about half an hour, saying that he was exhausted and that he needed to study anyway."

Sirius nodded. "Well, after you guys all left, I got seriously, totally drunk. Completely smashed." He paused again and looked back out of the window. James didn't press him. "Things got a little- no, that's a lie- utterly out of hand then, and I did something that I'm still not sure if I regret or not."

James felt himself becoming alarmed again. "What did you do, Padfoot?"

Sirius looking him straight in the eye for the first time during their entire conversation. "I kissed another guy, James. I kissed another guy, and I liked it, and I know that it wasn't just the mood and the alcohol."

James stared at him in mute silence. Sirius held his gaze and didn't interrupt the silence for several minutes, until he couldn't take it anymore. "James?" he asked quietly.

James found his voice as questions and fragments began to tumble out of his mouth. "Sirius- Padfoot- are you serious? I mean, it could have been- did you try it again- just in case, I mean- who else knows?"

"Only you, James. And yes, I did try it again, and yes, I did still enjoy it." Sirius sighed heavily and looked at his friend, half worried. James closed his mouth again, and Sirius waited.

Finally James cleared his throat. "She was right."

Sirius frowned, suddenly having lost track of the conversation. "Who? What?"

"Lily," James explained. "She always thought that you were at least bi."

Now it was Sirius' turn to stare. "Lily? Where would she get that idea? And how the hell did she know before I did?"

James shrugged. "After I stopped laughing long enough to ask her why, she mumbled something about you caring so much about your appearance and offering people beauty tips and your eyes always lingering for a second too long on-" suddenly he cut himself off in mid-sentence and reddened.

"What?" Sirius demanded, leaning forward. "Who do my eyes linger on for too long?" he asked, grabbing James by the collar of his robes. James didn't even seem to notice and his mind seemed to be very far away.

Ignoring Sirius, he said, half to himself, "So that's why you wouldn't talk to- she was right all this time- I have to go see her-" he pulled away and headed toward the door.

"James! WAIT!" Sirius called, sounding, despite his best efforts, rather desperate. His only answer was the door slamming once again. With a moan he sank back onto the bed, rested his arm across his forehead, and fell asleep.

When he woke up several hours later, Sirius realized that someone was sitting beside him on the bed. Keeping his eyes closed and trying to act nonchalant, he yawned and stretched. His eyes opened immediately when one of his hands hit something solid and soft to the touch. Trying to focus his eyes, he realized that it was Remus who was sitting beside him.

The other boys' legs were pulled up to his chest and he had his arms hooked around his knees. His light eyes were solemn as he turned his brown-haired head to look at Sirius. Sirius sighed inwardly to see that Remus was on edge, and realized that he had yet to apologize for his earlier behavior.

"James said that you'd probably be willing to talk to me now," Remus said guardedly.

Sirius nodded, slightly ashamed, and started to talk. "Look, Moony, I'm really sorry about what I said to you earlier- and how I've been acting lately- I've been a real bastard, and I think that we can all agree on that."

Remus rested his head on his knees, visibly relaxing slightly. "So you're feeling better then?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. I talked to James-" hurt flickered again across Remus' face, and Sirius quickly continued, "and now I think that I'm ready to tell you about it too." He told the other boy about how he was tired of sleeping around and how he wanted a real relationship. He even managed to talk about the party and the experimentation that had followed before he found that something seemed to be blocking his throat and that he couldn't talk anymore. He had already averted his face from Remus, finding it easier to concentrate on the bedspread then his friend's face, but now he changed a glance upwards. Remus looked thoughtful, and Sirius was surprised and interested to see that he, too, was blushing slightly. He tried to say something- anything-, but the silence still held. As he struggled with his voice, things suddenly began to fall into place.

'The point is that you're one of my best friends'- 'who's always after me to tell him what's wrong when I'm in a funk?'- 'and your eyes always lingering for a second too long...' ...Could that be why he'd always had a special place in his heart for -? Why things that seemed so little to the others were so big to him? Why whatever - said just seemed to count a little more, to hit a little harder? Why it was so hard sometimes to pull his eyes off of - or stop thinking about -?

Sirius had rarely truly cared about any of the girls he had played with, and his thoughts of them had never lasted nearly as long as his thoughts of-

Suddenly, still trying to wrap his mind around it, Sirius Black leaned over and kissed Remus Lupin. It wasn't an especially good kiss or a sweet kiss, but it said more to both boys then, at that moment, words could have expressed. When they finally drew apart, both of them smiled, a bit shakily, at each other. Sirius was pulling Remus in for another kiss when the other boy suddenly gasped and opened his eyes wide, suddenly seeming to realize what was happening. Sirius tensed slightly, wondering if he had done something wrong, when Remus whispered something.

"What is it, Moony?" Sirius asked worriedly.

The lighter boy looked up at him with wide eyes. "It's nothing, Padfoot, just- Lily was right."

"Again?" Sirius demanded, slightly exasperated. "About what, this time? Has everyone been talking to Lily but me?"

"She predicted that one day you would just, out of the blue, kiss me, and she was right. As for you being the only one not to talk to her-" he shrugged, and kissed Sirius firmly and compassionately. "She was also right when she said that if you did, I'd kiss you back," he murmured. Sirius smiled and pulled him close.

After that, all words and speculations on Lily were left to a different, less interesting time. They could talk about what would come of this later, but for now there was only each other and their realizations of what could- and, if they had anything to say about it, would- be.


End file.
